You Just Want What’s Best For Them.
I’m Calling Bull$%*T!!!
How often do you say, “…I just want what’s best for you.” A parent explaining they just want what’s best for their child. A leader sharing they just want what’s best for their employee. A friend stating, they just want what’s best for you.
When we say, “I just want what’s best for you,” most of us truly believe it’s coming from a place of love, caring and compassion. And, guess what, I’m calling Bull$%*t!
Let me explain.
Each of us has our own filter, created by our past experiences, values, perceptions, perspectives, fears, successes, ‘failures,’ everything we have learned/heard/experienced up to this very moment. Our filter is incredibly unique. And we react and respond to ourselves, our world, and the people in it, through this unique filter. Much of our filter is subconscious and most of us don’t realize this filter even exists.
For example, the parent that struggles with their child not having direction in life. The parent makes suggestions to help the child get on track, believing they just want what’s best for them. But what they REALLY want is what’s best for themselves…their belief of what they want the child to do or not do, due to their own filter. When we dig deeper, we learn the parent saw their own parent struggle with direction, which led to not being able to keep a job and struggling financially. The current parents filter has judgment, fear, worry, perhaps even a lack of safety associated with not having direction. So, of course, this would be a big trigger. It actually has nothing to do with the child. It’s the story created by the parents’ filter that is causing the emotional upset.
If we dig deeper with the child, perhaps they don’t have direction because they feel burdened by the direction they think they ‘should’ take and don’t want to take that path. Through their filter, they may be creating a story that they will disappoint the parent, feel judged for what they really want, or perhaps they believe they can never meet the expectations of the parent so the fear of failing is paralyzing. That fear is real for them so no wonder they are not moving anything forward! This is a parent/child scenario and can be switched out to represent leader/employee, partners, anyone.
Now, to be very clear, this may sound like I’m suggesting to not care. And that’s not it at all. Through my experience with thousands of clients, welcome to my filter, we usually get some sort of resistance from someone when we make the statement, I only want what’s best for you, because we are making a judgment on their behalf, whether we admit or not! And that judgment is due to our filter. You may believe you know ‘better,’ supporting them to not have to feel the pain you did, have them ‘learn from your mistakes,’ AND…you may be truly limiting and dis-empowering the other person.
Bottom line, we don’t actually want what’s best for someone else. We want what WE BELIEVE is the best for someone else that makes US feel comfortable.
EEEKKK I can just feel some of you really not happy to hear this!! Especially to those of us who are fixers and helpers!
So, how do you decipher whether you are supporting or limiting? By asking yourself some deep questions…
1) What’s really going on with me in this situation?
2) What am I feeling?
3) What am I most afraid of about this situation?
4) What has me believe that this person doesn’t know what is ‘best’ for them?
By answering these, you can begin to see that it isn’t about the other person. It’s about you and your filter.
So what do you do with this new information? Well, that’s a great a question and there is no one answer. You could:
1) Share with the other person that you realize your filter is triggering you and judging them and OWN it!! When we do this, the other person can sometimes release the energy that they are feeling judged by you.
2) Have me administer the Energy Leadership Index Assessment that takes a deep dive look into your unique filter. How it serves you and how it limits you in work and in life. (BTW – This is nothing like other assessments you have done and can provide a deeper dive into what other assessments really mean for you.)
3) Hire a coach (specifically a core energy coach) to work through that filter…leverage your strengths and identify and begin to remove the limitations.
4) Simply sit with your new learning about yourself and ask what it means for you moving forward.
Next time you begin to say…I just want what’s best for you…you’ll be able to practice and catch yourself. And even practice having faith that everyone does know what’s most aligned for them, and if you’re triggered into an emotional reaction, that about you. 🙂
Lesley Picchietti, PCC, CPC, ELI-MP, CLDS
© Inspire Bliss Coaching and Consulting 2022
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